


eclipse

by milkyprince



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Flash Forward, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Prostitution, Slow Burn, all depictions of anxiety panic and depression are based on my own experiences with the disorders, as always this fic deals with mental illness, not like... prostitution smut but it is someone's job in this, probably smut in later chapters but idk yet, so dont try to tell me im romanticizing mental illness when im writing based on experience
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-02-09 23:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18648484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkyprince/pseuds/milkyprince
Summary: They say that the moon only shines when the sun is still there... but what if the sun leaves?Nagito Komaeda and Hajime Hinata were the most unlikely couple of best friends in the little hometown that they grew from. But when Nagito disappears for five years and shows up on Hajime's doorstep again, what will happen?





	1. an unlikely reunion

 

_Cemeteries were never known to be the most joyous of places. That was simply a fact of life. Even small, happy children would gray as they stepped inside the gates. The only time that anyone would be happy to visit a cemetery would be when the younger teens of the town snuck out in the dead of night with cheap Ouija boards and stolen cigarettes- and even then, the sinister air of the area loomed over them._

_The dark metal gate clattered open as a man took a step inside of the haven of death. It was only the break of dawn, and grey clouds covered the sky above, the promise of rain set in stone for the hours to come._

_But the rain wasn't the one responsible for the gloom that had overcome the now gruff and stern appearing man. Instead, it was something of far greater meaning and far greater mass, something that was certain to stay with him until the day that he died. His chin was dark with a stubbly five o'clock shadow and his eyes showed a level of tired only those who had gone through great loss and torment could have._

_Kneeling down next to a grave in the far back corner of the cemetery, the man's stiff face fell as his eyes watered up. He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut and choking back a pained sob. No, not like this. He needed to be strong for his late lover. He shook his head, inhaling deeply and regaining his composure. He placed a single yellow tulip on the headstone he knelt before._

_Hopeless love._

_That was all he was left with now._  

 

* * *

 

Nagito was a professional. Nagito knew how to act. Nagito did his job as needed, appealing to each client's needs no matter what. Nagito couldn't be taken by surprise anymore. 

Or so he thought.

Now, Nagito was used to ending up in situations he wasn't particularly excited about. The thing was... he was a sex worker- a prostitute, if you wanted to be frank about his work. He wouldn't call himself ashamed of his work, but it wasn't something he talked about openly. He had come across more than one strange encounter in his line of work, but even between all of the nervous virgins and hardcore sex addicts, between vanilla twenty-somethings and older men with a need to control... he had never come across with someone as out of the ordinary as this. 

He was face to face with him again. 

It had been so long since he had seen those eyes, seen those lips, those shoulders- that man. 

Hit with a whirlwind of emotion, accompanied by no sign of a warning, Nagito froze. He was still as stone, his eyes wide and staring, almost gaping at the person before him. It was as if he has stared down Medusa with unblinking eyes, and now he had been turned into a mere statue of the person he embodied. He had so many words resting on the tip of his tongue, but he was unable to choke even one single sound out.

Before he was able to register what was happening, strong arms wrapped around Nagito and pulled his stiff body close. The scent of whiskey, cinnamon, and musk enveloping his body in a comfort he hadn't felt in years. This was a warmth he had missed, one he thought he had lost forever. 

The comfort of a man named Hajime Hinata.

He wanted to jump up onto Hajime, have the man carry him like he was a weak little boy with a scraped knee back in elementary school again, wanted to laugh and giggle about how strong he was, and how he felt like a princess being carried by her prince. But for now... he supposed a hug would do well enough.

With more than a little effort, Nagito finally found his voice, though is was still quiet and broken, cracking as he spoke even that one little phrase, a simple whisper, "I missed you." And before he even finished his words, he felt his eyes watering up embarrassingly quickly for a grown man. 

But there was no reason to be embarrassed, for Hajime was going through the same thing right in that very moment. Maybe even more than Nagito. His normal steady minded and rational decision-making skills seemed to be thrown out the open window as he held onto another man, a childhood friend, a lost contact, someone who he had, in all honesty, assumed had gotten himself killed by this point in life. Nagito was reckless and chaotic, hell, Hajime had probably saved him from cracking his skull open dozens of times in the past. 

But he hadn't. He was as alive as the day he was born. Nagito Komaeda was right there in front of him, in his arms, ugly crying into his chest as he had when they were little kids. 

Hajime almost couldn't believe it. It felt almost like a dream. His mind was foggy from alcohol mixed with a bit of sleep deprivation. If it weren't for his intoxication, he would be freaking the fuck out in that very moment for sure.

It took a few minutes of Hajime and Nagito standing, hugging in the doorway, until either of them were able to step back and really process what was happening. Nagito was still crying, but wiped at his eyes in an attempt to make himself look slightly more composed... not that anything about his appearance was composed right then. His hair was long, messy and tangled, his cheeks were stained pink with dried tears, new ones still rolling down his cheeks. Not to mention the outfit he was wearing... yeah... he 100% looked like a hooker, even if he hated to admit it. He was messy, but it was the same way Hajime had always remembered him. Maybe minus the scandalous clothing, but everything else was just as chaotic and crazy as it was the last day Hajime had seen him.

Hajime was the first to speak after they broke their embrace, opening his mouth and closing it a few times before actually being able to say what he wanted to,"What... how did you find me?" he asked, his voice slightly slurred- not much, but it was clear that he was under the influence of alcohol that evening. 

Huh... a drunk Hajime. That was something new. Nagito never took Hajime for the type of person to drink, but then again... he only knew him while they were both underage, and Hajime was a bit of a stickler for not breaking the law. He had hauled Nagito's ass out of trouble more than a few times when they were hectic teens (Okay... Nagito was the hectic teen, Hajime was always the level-headed one, the sensible one. He kept Nagito in check.)

"I..." Nagito hummed before answering, a blush growing on his cheeks. Ah god... now he had to explain to Hajime that his childhood best friend was now a goddamn prostitute, whoring himself around just to scrape up enough money to feed himself and afford a shitty, old, dilapidated apartment in the worst part of the city. God, this was humiliating. It was different when he showed up at strangers places, they didn't know him, they didn't even know his name until he introduced himself. Fucking hell, this was practically like what he imagined it would feel like to have to explain to your mother that you're a stripper or a sex worker of any type. 

There was really no use in lying to Hajime though, it wouldn't do him any good. If he said anything other than the truth, he'd sound like some kind of creepy stalker, obsessed with the boy next door from his childhood. He would just have to spit out the truth, whether he liked it or not.

"Well..." Nagito started with a sigh, "You... hired a prostitute, didn't you...?"

Hajime stared blankly at Nagito, the words not connecting in his mind yet. He had heard the other man, but... it wasn't processing in his mind. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and then closed it once more.

It took him well over 30 seconds before the dots finally seemed to connect in his mind. And boy oh boy, when they connected, it hit him like a goddamn freight train. His eyes widened and he grabbed Nagito by the wrist, pulling him inside his apartment and slamming the door shut before exploding on him entirely. 

"What. The. Hell." Hajime said, holding onto both of Nagito's wrists now, staring him down with a look that could make god himself shiver in fear. In his mind, he was thinking a million different thoughts, not knowing which one to say first. 

_Nagito was a prostitute? That didn't make a lick on sense. As far as Hajime had always known, Nagito loathed himself too much. If he so much as changed his shirt in front of Hajime, he would be immediately apologizing, repeating over and over again about how he was so sorry that Hajime had to see his terrible, oh so horrible body. He would never change in front of the others in their gym class, hiding away in a bathroom stall to get into his gym clothes. And now his job was as a sex worker? This was frankly... unbelievable._

_And no, he wasn't just any normal prostitute, oh no, Hajime may or may not have specifically requested a feminine guy. If he said it the way the site advertised, a 'femboy'. Oh god, Hajime was mentally hitting himself in his dick, now his childhood friend knew that he was into guys in skirts, god fucking dammit! Which was more humiliating, being revealed to be a prostitute, or being revealed to be into pretty skinny guys in girly clothes?_

_Did it really even matter which was more embarrassing? What was he thinking? He was reunited with someone who had left a hole in his heart the day he had left. He shouldn't be concerned with these.... unusual circumstances that they met under, what really mattered was that Nagito was here, right? It didn't matter if he was a prostitute, or if Hajime's fetishes were being revealed._

But even though Hajime knew that the circumstances didn't actually matter, all of the pent up feelings he had regarding Nagito were going to escape him, and he was most definitely going to be in a not-so-calm-and-collected manner. Perhaps he was going to yell a little, let out his rage and frustration through the process of raising his voice a bit.

Nagito stiffened up. Now, he wasn't scared, no, he knew Hajime wouldn't hurt him (since he was little, Hajime would never hurt Nagito on purpose. Yeah, a slap on the head, a shove on the shoulder, but nothing that would actually do anything to hurt him). He just knew the wrath of the man, and knew there was no way to get out of it now. He was in for a grilling. 

Hajime was silent for a moment, just staring bewilderedly at Nagito before he combusted. 

"Nagito... what the actual hell? You disappear from our hometown the year before we graduate, leaving nothing but a pathetic little note behind saying that you were fine, you just needed to get out, and the first time I even hear from you in five whole years is when you show up at my doorstep, in Tokyo, after I-" Hajime hesitated, but sighed and kept going, "After I hired a goddamn hooker out of pent up frustration. This is the first time I've seen you in five fucking years, Nagito! What the hell? What in the actual goddamn hell?!" Hajime put his hands in his own hair, gripping it tightly out of frustration, "This isn't fucking fair Nagito! You got to run away to wherever you wanted, and you left me alone in the dust. You had me wondering for years what the hell even happened to you. I just about assumed you had gotten yourself killed or done it yourself at this point!" Hajime bit his lip, feeling his chest tighten in a mix of anger and relief. There was so much on his mind, so much that he wanted to say... but there was only one thing he  _needed_ to say.

Hajime dropped Nagito's wrists from his hands, and pulled him back into a strong embrace, speaking softly and running a hand through Nagito's cotton-like hair, his voice becoming soft then, "I was worried about you, Nagito, I'm glad you're safe..." he sighed before letting him go again, "Do you want to sit down, I can put on some tea or something? I have a feeling... we have a lot to catch up on."

Nagito smiled softly, taking one of Hajime's hands and holding it with both of his own, "Yeah, I think we do."

 

 


	2. foggy reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if all updates will be this fast, but i was inspired so here's the second chapter!!  
> comment or else i will Cry

 

Few words were spoken as the two stood in the small kitchen, watching steam come from the small kettle of tea sitting on the stove, waiting for it to wail out when the water was ready.

Nagito's eyes wandered around the room, taking in everything there was to see. The apartments appeared to be fairly bare bones, nothing to indicate that it was truly a home, not just a shelter. It felt... cold. No, not the temperature, but the entire feeling the place gave of seemed... void of love or any type of a warm emotion. It brought a frown to Nagito's face, seeing how Hajime was living. Hajime deserved better than this... it made Nagito sad. The entire space looked as if it was the same was it had been when it was leased out to Hajime, there were no excess decorations, no keepsakes or memories, it was just like a showroom, as if the apartment was going to be shown to prospective buyers the next day.

Even though Nagito's own apartment was much more run down and sketchy than this, his still felt more like a home than Hajime's did. He had posters and artwork up on his walls, sticky notes plastered onto every surface with reminders to take his pills and to feed the cat, fluffy pillows and blankets were strewn across his couch. It was messy, just like him. It was shady and in a terrible part of town, but it was still his home. If people visited, they could tell it was somewhere that held many memories, both good and bad. But here... all Nagito could sense was emptiness. 

_How had Hajime, someone so full of determination and drive to do great things and make lasting memories, let himself go like this?_

_Ah... but Nagito supposed he could say the same thing for himself. He had run away like a spooked doe the moment he had gotten too close to the edge, disappearing for five years with no explanation. And now he was a hooker, a whore, a prostitute. He was being a hypocrite, wasn't he? He was just as bad as he was back in high school, his self hatred was just as high, he was just as much of a garbage, lowlife, worthless person as he was before-_

"Hey- hello? Nagito? Hello? You in there?" 

Nagito was snapped out of his downward spiral of inner thoughts by Hajime waving his hand in front of his face, He shook his head, bringing himself back into the present, "Ah- Yeah, yeah, sorry," Nagito said with a sheepish laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.

Hajime shoved Nagito's shoulder lightly, letting out a low chuckle and a sigh, "You're just how you always were back in school. you really haven't changed much at all." He hummed a bit as he opened up a cupboard, getting two plain, creamy white mugs off of the middle shelf. He seemed to have gotten them out at the perfect time, as the kettle began to sound off, shrieking out as the steam trailed upwards. He filled the two cups with the steaming water, placing a teabag in each cup. 

Warm... Nagito thought as he was handed one of the cups from Hajime. He practically lived off of energy drinks and instant coffee at this point... wow, he was shit at self care. Not like he didn't know that already, but he was sure to get a scolding from Hajime when he saw how Nagito lived his life. 

"You coming or what?" Hajime asked, once again snapping Nagito out of his mindless thinking.

"I'm coming!" Nagito hurried to respond, following Hajime into the living room where they both took a seat on the couch. Nagito made sure not to sit too close to Hajime, as he didn't want to encroach on his space. Yes, they had been very touchy as kids, Nagito always clinging onto Hajime wherever they were going, but Nagito didn't know how the other man would feel about that now, being grown and all. Maybe he would find it weird, maybe he would be grossed out by the person Nagito had grown to be, and he wouldn't want to be anywhere near him.

Raising an eyebrow, Hajime looked at Nagito, questioning him, "What, am I dangerous or something? You have to sit as far as you can away from me, huh?"

With a jolt, Nagito was quick to deny the words that Hajime said, "No, no! Not at all! I just didn't think you'd wanna be sitting so close to someone who is as disgusting as me!" he sighed.

"You really are exactly how you always were.... it's just as if you had never even left," Hajime said, setting his mug down on the coffee table and resting his head against the back of the couch, laughing a bit and then sighing, "But that's not true... it would be impossible for me to forget how you left."

Nagito placed his mug down as well, fiddling with his hands and looking down at his lap, a sense of guilt overcoming him, "I..." he began to say something, but cut himself off, not speaking the words he truly wanted to say, instead just saying, "I'm sorry." before he went silent again, 

Both stayed quiet for a good, long, excruciatingly awkward minute before Hajime responded to Nagito's apology, "Nagito, can I ask you something?"

Nagito looked at Hajime, giving him a small nod of affirmation instead of speaking, fearing what would come out of his mouth if he spoke again.

"If this is too hard to answer, just tell me, and I won't push, but... it's been on my mind ever since that day. Why did you leave? I just..." Hajime paused, sighing for the umpteenth time that evening, "I never stopped asking myself that question, and I never thought I'd be able to ask you, I thought I'd never see you again, if I'm being brutally honest. I thought you were gone forever... so I tried to come up with the answer on my own. I've come up with so many reasons and possible answers, but I still don't know why you did it. Sure, I've worked out some of the possibilities, and I can assume all I want, but no one but you can tell me the truth, the real reason why you made yourself disappear."

Nagito bit his lip, still staring down at his lap.  _He knew the reason. He knew exactly why he had run away. He was scared. He was weak, unable to face his feelings. And so he ran. He remembered that night so well, as if it had occurred just yesterday. He felt like a coward thinking of it, useless, pathetic, filled with an amount of guilt that made his skin crawl just because of the fact that he was himself. He hated himself. He was disgusting. He was weak, pathetic, couldn't do anything right. He was the lowest of the low, someone who would do anything to hide his true emotions, even if it meant abandoning an entire place, a town that was his home, everyone who he had grown up with. Just to protect himself, he left behind everything, he let others be hurt just to benefit himself. He was the scum of the earth. He couldn't stand himself. He hated the way his face looked, his body, the sound of his voice, his mind, every little thing about himself... he hated. He wished he could rip his own skin off, he deserved the worst. Every time he had to look in a mirror, his stomach churned, a sick feeling bubbling up inside of his entire body. He hated himself, he hated himself, he hated himself, he hated himself, he hated himself..._

He was going insane, he was going to have a meltdown, right here, right now, on Hajime's couch if he didn't stop himself from his thoughts right now. This was bad, this wasn't good. His first time seeing Hajime in years and he was going to see him having a complete and utter breakdown. Fuck, shit, god fuck- he needed to stop. He needed to calm himself down. He needed to breathe, he needed to clear his mind, he needed to just stop.

But he couldn't.

Nagito felt dizzy, his vision blurring. It was hard to breathe, hard to see, he couldn't even speak. His eyes were watering up and he didn't know how to stop it. He was falling, drowning, suffocating, he couldn't get out, it was all consuming him.

Why, why, why, why. Why was he such a pathetic, awful, worthless human being? Why did this have to happen when he was reuniting with someone he had been in goddamn love with for the majority of his childhood. He was making a fool out of himself, he probably looked utterly insane to Hajime. Hajime was going to hate him, Hajime was going to think he was crazy, god, he'd probably take him to some type of psych ward and make sure he never had to see his revolting face again. Nagito was the lowest form of life on this earth, the worst to ever have been born, his entire existence was a big fuck up, a mistake, was a disgrace to every single other person on the planet.

Tears were running down his face- he knew how ugly he was when he cried. He covered his face with his hands, making it even more difficult for him to breathe properly- but he'd rather suffocate to death than make Hajime look at his horrible face.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and a voice, but everything was so fuzzy that he couldn't make out the words being said to him. His skin felt like television static blanketing his body, discomfort abundant. 

Although Nagito wasn't completely with it in that moment, he felt arms wrap around him, a hand rubbing his back, the voice still speaking softly. He leaned into the warmth, letting it envelop him. A soft blanket was draped around his shoulders, and his hands were gently pried away from his face, his chin being tilted up. His eyes slowly focused, and he saw Hajime looking at him, his eyebrows furrowed with worry, his words finally beginning to reach him.

"Hey, hey, Nagito, look at me, listen to me, okay?" Hajime said in a soothing voice, just like the way he would comfort him when Nagito panicked back in their school days. 

Nagito nodded a little, his eyes staring back at Hajime, his cheeks still wet from his tears. He couldn't manage to speak, but he was listening.

Hajime pushed Nagito's hair out of his face, giving him physical touch, knowing that always used to calm him down. "You're okay, okay? You don't need to tell me, I understand if it's something that's too hard for you to talk about. You don't need to worry about telling me, I'm okay not knowing. Sure, I do wonder, but what matters to me is that you're here right now, you're safe. You're safe here with me, I'm not going to let anything hurt you in here, okay?" 

Still staring at Hajime, Nagito felt himself begin to cry even harder, squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his arms around Hajime, causing him to fall back on the couch. Nagito hugged Hajime tightly, laying on top of him and crying into his chest, blubbering like a baby. He had so much he wanted to tell Hajime, oh so much. He could explain for hours and hours about all of the feelings that scared him into leaving, he wanted so badly to just tell him everything, to open up completely... he didn't know if he would be able to, though. He was scared that Hajime would hate him, maybe scared of the rejection he had the chance of facing.

Hajime was taken aback by Nagito's sudden outburst of affection, but adjusted to it, allowing him to rest his head on his chest and let all of his bottled up emotions out. Mm, he'd most likely either fall asleep on Hajime, tired out from crying (not that his crying seemed to be stopping anytime soon), or once he stopped, he would be tired out. Hajime figured he was more than okay letting Nagito stay the night. He'd let him cry here until he was completely tuckered out, let him fall asleep on the couch while Hajime covered him up, and in the morning he would wake the other man up, maybe have a small breakfast, and then... then they could finally talk it out. 

He figured that all of this must be severe on Nagito's emotions- it was clear he ran away from a reason that was difficult for him to deal with. 

Maybe it would take more than a couple of steps for the whole truth to be revealed, but if it was for Nagito, Hajime was willing to wait, willing to hold the other's hand as they unraveled the story of the past, maybe even creating a future while they were at it.


	3. runaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls enjoy this even tho PAIN  
> if u comment ill kiss u so pls

Perhaps.... things didn't go exactly as planned. Usually, Hajime hated when things varied from the outcome he expected, but this time, he was okay with it.

Yes, he had expected Nagito to fall asleep, and for himself to go to his own bed, but that's not the way it actually happened. Maybe what happened was better than his expectations though.

Hajime had ended up falling asleep, there on the couch with Nagito, the white-haired man laid on his chest and his arms around his back, comforting him until he cried himself to sleep.

Part of the plan did go as he had presumed, he woke up first, Nagito still sleeping peacefully on his chest. He had planned to get up and make breakfast before Nagito would wake, but... there really wasn't a way of getting up now without disturbing the other... ah... that was a bump in the road for sure.

He was still okay though, he was calm. Things not going as he planned wasn't his favorite thing in the world, but he still knew how to deal with it and be okay. He would just wake Nagito up, make some tea or coffee, and they could sit and talk while they were waiting for breakfast to be finished. Hajime would just throw something to heat up on the stove, nothing too big, especially considering that it didn't look like Nagito ate a lot, so it would be difficult for him to finish a large meal, Hajime assumed. 

_Huh... he really hadn't gotten a good look at Nagito, had he? His hair was so messy, so chaotic, just like it had always been... it looked so soft...._

Without even realizing what he was doing, Hajime ran a hand through the white hair, softly, petting Nagito's head as his eyes wandered to look at the rest of his body. He was way too skinny for his height... was he eating enough? He couldn't be... Hajime swore he could feel Nagito's ribs they were sticking out so much. It made an ache begin in Hajime's hear, seeing someone he had cared for for so long being like this. He looked like he was just barely scraping by... it was almost heartbreaking. He sees Nagito after years of not seeing him, only to find him to be in a terrible condition? God... Hajime was worried. He wanted to scoop Nagito up right there, get him some good food and clothes that would keep him warm.

Fuck... Hajime was getting attached again. He couldn't let it happen again. He didn't know if Nagito would stay this time, so he couldn't become dependent on him. It always appeared to be Hajime taking care of Nagito when they were kids, but the truth was, Nagito took care of Hajime is a way too, even if he didn't realize it. If it weren't for Nagito, Hajime would have led a very boring, monotone life. He would have just went through the motions, existing but not truly living. He never went out of the way to do anything out of the ordinary on his own, never suggested they go anywhere or try anything new, Nagito was the one who did that. Hajime would have just stayed up in his room, alone, burying himself in his schoolwork if it hadn't been for the other boy.

Nagito has helped Hajime so much... he couldn't not help Nagito now. It was clear that he wasn't doing well, clear that he was down to the bare bones of what was needed to live, turning to sex work just to live. Maybe if he didn't know Nagito as well as he did, it would seem like a jump to assume that just because someone was a sex worker, that they were in a bad place, but Hajime knew Nagito better than that. He knew that the only way he would resort to a job like this would be if there was no other way to survive. 

Stirring, Nagito lifted his head a little, opening his eyes and seeing Hajime there. Still half asleep, Nagito didn't immediately jump to apologizing to Hajime, instead just staring with a little smile before laying his head back down on Hajime's chest and sighing happily. Ah... what a wonderful dream this was... Hajime's hand in his hair, the warmth from his body keeping Nagito warm as well. It was just like the dreams he had had when he was a little kid. He felt so peaceful... so happy.

Hajime kept running his hand lazily through Nagito's hair. He knew that he was awake now... but he didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep Nagito as close as possible. He didn't want him to be able to run away again- his heart couldn't take losing him again. It would be too much. He was falling again- his feelings hadn't changed, despite what he tried to tell himself. The feelings he had toward Nagito hadn't changed in all of the years that he had been gone. He didn't want to become attached again, but he had already stepped off of the steep ledge and couldn't pull himself back up.

He was just so... beautiful. Nagito was utterly breathtaking. His hair was even longer than it had been in high school, and Hajime couldn't get enough of it. It felt so right, so natural, holding him close like this. It felt like this was exactly what he was destined to be doing in that moment.

Nagito raised his head again, looking at Hajime, his eyes wandering his face, from his eyes down to his lips... they looked chapped, he could perfectly imagine what it would be like to press his against them. 

This was a dream, right?

It was a dream... so maybe, just maybe...

He wanted to, he wanted to so badly. His gaze was resting on Hajime's lips, unable to stop thinking about it. But even if it was a dream... Nagito... didn't want to violate Hajime like that, even if it wasn't real life. Hajime would never want to kiss someone like him- it was already far enough, letting himself have this dream, he couldn't bring himself to do it, no matter how much he wanted to. He was too disgusting to even kiss a Hajime that was a figment of his imagination. 

Hajime had noticed Nagito's eyes on his lips. Did... he feel the same way too? No... there was no way. Nagito wouldn't want to be with someone as plain, average, and boring like himself. He was just half asleep, that was all. He wasn't thinking straight, Nagito wasn't purposely looking at his lips, he was just in a daze and staring without a meaning to it. 

They made eye contact, staring at one another for a moment. 

Hajime could have sworn he saw Nagito begin to lean in, but before he could be sure, Nagito's eyes were widening and he jolted upward, finally brought into complete consciousness. He jumped up from his place on top of Hajime, face a bright shade of red as he began to apologize.

"I'm sorry! Ah- Hajime, I'm so sorry!" he exclaimed, waving his hands in a panic, "Og god, oh god... what time is it?" he asked himself, realizing he had slept the entire night, "Oh my god- I'm so sorry- I'm so so sorry Hajime, oh god, I should go- I need to go, I can't- I can't stay here- I'm sorry!" Nagito was shaking, tearing up again.

Out, out, out. He needed to get out of here. He couldn't stay here anymore. He couldn't let everything from the past come back up again. He couldn't burden Hajime with that, couldn't bother him any more than he already had. This was bad, this was bad. He needed to go. He couldn't stay.

He didn't even hear what Hajime was trying to say as he ran out. He was deaf, he was blind- nothing was on his mind except for getting out of there right then in that moment.

Nagito ran. Ran out of the room, out of the door, out, out, out. He didn't know where he was going, what he was doing, all he knew was out.

He kept running, running, running- until the guilt of running away fro the second time dragged him down to a sudden halt, falling to his knees in the entrance to an alleyway. He winced, feeling the concrete bite into his skin. It scraped up his knees and brought tears to the inner corners of his eyes again, making him come back into reality, come back into his feelings. He covered his face with his hands. He felt his tears begin to increase- he needed to stop. He knew he was a crybaby, but he was being frustrated with himself and how much he had cried in the past 12 hours. He felt pathetic.

He had gotten the chance to reconnect with Hajime- the one who had kept him alive during his childhood, given him some form of happiness, even if it was a weird kind of happy- it was okay, because Hajime kept him somewhat stable.

He was doing the same thing as he had five years ago- running away the moment it got scary, the moment there was a chance of things going further, he ran away. He saw how Hajime was looking at him. Even if Nagito hated himself too much to understand it, there was no denying the way Hajime had held him, the way he played with his hair- how they both leaned in at the end.

He couldn't deny that. Nagito may have hated himself more than anything in the entire world, but he wasn't an idiot. It was clear. To some extent, they had shared the same feelings. They had both missed one another, both had feelings for one another- and both still had feelings for one another.

_So why couldn't Nagito get himself to accept it?_

_They felt the same way! They felt the exact same fucking way about one another- so why? Why the hell did he have to be like this? Why was it that no matter what he did, it made his heart ache with guilt and fear? If he allowed himself to get close to Hajime once again, what would happen? What would happen if it got to be too much again?_  

_Nagito had never been a relationship other than sexual before, he didn't know how to handle these feelings. His instinct was to run away from anything new, anything foreign, anything that had the possibility of going wrong and causing his heart more pain than it already was in- he didn't know how much more his heart could take. It felt like it was going to give out at any moment._

_He was finally numbing himself, just filling his life with sex and drinking, forgetting everything that had happened... but now that had all gone to shit. The moment he saw Hajime again, it all went away. He had become more sober than he had been in years, seeing that face. All of his effort to stop the pain, stop the memories, just stop feeling anything... it was gone. He was back to square one._

_His heart ached- it yearned to see that face again. It always had. He pushed it down, covered it up with a different kind of pain. Physical pain was better than the emotional pain, anyways._

_Every cell in his mind, every cell in his body- it told him to go back to Hajime. Told him to turn back around, get up off of his bleeding knees and run right back to where he had just run away from._

 

_But he couldn't do it._

 

_He hadn't changed at all. In the five years he was gone, Nagito hadn't bettered himself, if anything, he was worse. He couldn't go back, even if it hurt to stay away. He was too scared, too afraid of what could happen if he let himself open up again, if he got rid of the numb feeling- something bad could happen. He was so scared due to the chance of something bad happening, that he was willing to give up the chance of happiness he had._

 

_And it killed him._


	4. memory lane, or perhaps memory alleyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not completely satisfied with how this chapter ended up, but i hope you all like it anyways  
> here's a look into nagito's past  
> pls,,, feed me the comments... im... hongry.... for validation.... bc i hate everything i write....

Lost. He felt lost. It was the same feeling he had when he first came to Tokyo. In the five years he had been here, Nagito had learned the ins and outs of the city, knowing exactly where he was at all times. He had become an expert at navigating the city, avoiding places he shouldn't be in, and knowing secret little places, the hidden gems of the city.

 

For some reason, though, Nagito had no idea where he was. All he knew was that he was slumped pathetically in an alleyway, back up against some old, mossy, and dirty brick building, knees weeping with blood, and his eyes weeping with tears. 

 

Never in his life had he ever felt this lost, this powerless and weak. 

 

Nagito hugged his knees to his chest, resting his forehead on his bloodied knees. It hurt, but his heart hurt more. An old habit of his was creeping up in the back of his mind, pushing on his brain to give in, to relapse back to how he used to deal with the pain. When he had finally managed to numb himself with sex and alcohol, it stopped his desire for the physical pain. He hadn't needed the physical pain to distract him anymore, the numbness was enough to get him through the day.

 

The walls of numbness he had built up around himself, however, had all been shattered the moment he laid eyes on Hajime again.

 

What was he to do now? It had taken years to finally numb himself enough to a point where he could stop thinking and just drag himself lifelessly through each day. He couldn't just numb himself again with the snap of his fingers- it would take another five hellish years to get back to how he was before Hajime popped up in his life unexpectedly. 

 

This was all just too much. He didn't know how much more of this torment his heart could take. 

 

Every part of his body just wanted to give up. His heart, his brain, everything.

 

Nagito let himself slide down, still hugging his knees to his chest, now laying on the muddy and garbage ridden ground. He was being covered in filth, but he didn't care. He was filth himself, so it fit for him to be bathed in it. 

 

Ah... how this reminded him of his first day in the city.

 

* * *

_[the day of Nagito's runaway]_

_Nagito was freshly eighteen. It was the month before he was set to graduate. On the outside, it seemed as if Nagito had gotten his life together. His grades weren't great, but they were passing, they were good enough to not be held back a year. He had a couple of friends, Hajime, of course, as well as some of Hajime's friends that he had ended up bonding with over the years they spent together._

_He was sitting in Hajime's room, spinning aimlessly in the desk chair. It was a Friday night, they were over at Hajime's for their weekly movie night. It was a tradition that had started while attending middle school. It was their own little way of destressing from the week of school and to relax into the weekend mood. They both enjoyed it, even if they would sometimes argue about what to watch and arbitrary things of that sort._

_It was around eight in the evening, and usually the pair would have begun their movie by then, but they had decided they wanted to have a more fun night and get some ice cream. Hajime went on a short run to the nearby convenience store, leaving Nagito alone in his room since he tended to not deal well with the outside at night. Nagito felt embarrassed and childish due to his fear, but Hajime never made fun of him for it, he knew why it was that way._

* * *

_[childhood]_

_When they were still little kids in primary school, Nagito never had that fear. He would be the one to stay out late at night, having to be dragged in by his aunt with him whining and crying about how he wanted to stay out, he wanted to go watch the fish in the creek more! He wanted to catch crawfish and have more fun! Nagito never wanted to go back inside at night, no matter what. He absolutely loved wandering around at night._

_That was... until one day that changed Nagito's playful nighttime self._

_It was half past eight, the sun had set, and Nagito's curfew had passed. He was only really allowed to stay out until eight, but his aunt wouldn't come drag him back inside until quarter to nine, so no bells of suspicion were ringing yet. Even when it became quarter of, still no alarms were going off. Nagito's aunt was used to this, he almost always pushed his curfew and stayed out as late as he could._

_It was a Saturday night, the weekend, so Nagito's aunt let his lateness slide a bit more than normal. He didn't have to get up early for school the next day, so staying up later wouldn't hurt him at all._

_But as the hour teetered on the edge of becoming nine, she decided she should get the boy back home before he got a cold or hurt himself walking in the dark. She headed out with a light jacket on. It was a bit chilly as it was nighttime, but she figured she wouldn't be out long- Nagito was always in the same place every single night, so it was easy to find him._

_There was a first for everything, though._

_As soon as she reached the creek that was a short walk from the house she and Nagito lived in, all of her calmness was thrown out the window._

_Nagito wasn't there._

_She spent a few minutes trying to see if he was hiding in the brush or had gone further downstream than normal, but she found nothing. Not a single shred of evidence that Nagito had even ever arrived at the creek after he had left their home._

_Nagito had never done anything like this before, so she knew something was seriously wrong. It wasn't just a case of a kid running away from home for a few hours before returning with the realization they can't make it on their own._

_She called the police._

 

_Six weeks._

_It was six weeks before anybody saw Nagito again._

_For the first week following his disappearance, the entire town was out, searching anywhere and everywhere a ten year old kid could possibly have gotten to. When the weeklong search turned up nothing... people just kind of... stopped caring. There began to be gossip around the town about Nagito, about how he was mentally unstable and he probably ran away and killed himself somewhere. No one, not even those who assisted in the search, seemed to care about Nagito's wellbeing. He was as good as dead to them. It spread around the town that no one actually wanted to help search for Nagito, they just didn't want to seem like bad people- that was the only reason anyone searched. None of the other mothers wanted Nagito around their kids._

_The ones who cared about Nagito's safety were few and few between._

_His aunt put on a complete sob show to the town, appealing on the local news and constantly talking about Nagito, trying to get others to care about him as well._

_Hajime's mother was the only other adult who seemed to genuinely care about Nagito's disappearance... or maybe she was the only one._

_Three weeks into Nagito's absence, something new came out into the news. Some old documents resurfaced- ones concerning the death of Nagito's parents and the transfer of guardianship to his aunt. This sparked a bit of suspicion, as it showed his aunt was receiving child support from the government, She was investigated, and although there was no evidence that she had done anything to get rid of or hurt Nagito... the truth came out._

_She didn't care about Nagito, no, she was just creating a huge sob story so that others felt sorry for her. If she didn't get Nagito back, the child support would stop coming, which meant she would no longer be able to live off of what the government gave her- she would be forced to get a job. She... had never cared about Nagito_

_Once that was revealed, she gave her act up. She stopped pleading for help, stopped talking about Nagito entirely. She went onto her life as if nothing had ever happened._

_Hajime and his mother were the only ones still talking about him. It was as if no one else in the town even remembered that he ever existed or lived there._

_After a month had passed, all hope was lost. Not that 99% of the town cared, but people still figured that he definitely wasn't coming back anytime soon, or ever, really. Hajime was coming to terms with losing the boy he considered his best friend. It was hard for him, he wanted Nagito to come back so badly... but he knew that wasn't likely. When Nagito had first gone missing, Hajime had begun to constantly look into crime and kidnapping cases. His little ten year old self would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, going to the family computer to learn as much as he could about solved and unsolved disappearance cases. His mother had caught him one night, but didn't have the heart to punish him, she knew that Hajime must have been having a hard time. She did put an end to his almost obsessive true crime watching habits- she didn't want Hajime to make himself go crazy. She knew he wouldn't be able to forget Nagito, but... she didn't want this disappearance to ruin Hajime's entire life._

_As it turned out, she didn't have to worry about Hajime being unable to get over losing Nagito._

_Because Nagito came back._

_He just... showed up one day. He didn't go to his aunt's home first, he immediately went to Hajime's house. He never told anyone what happened, not even police. It was clear that Nagito did not go out of free will, considering the multiple wounds and bruises on his body. He didn't seem willing to talk about it, not even with Hajime. When he went back to school, the other kids teased him from his beaten up body, pushing him to share his story, but he never did. He never told anyone, even as he grew older. Not even Hajime was to know._

_The small, energetic boy who had loved playing outside in the dark was no more. As soon as the sun began to set, Nagito would go inside. He didn't play outside with Hajime anymore. Even if a teacher told him to, Nagito would never stay after school. He always went home when the town was still alive and buzzing. No matter what, he would never go alone anywhere._

__Whatever happened within those six weeks had changed Nagito forever._ _

* * *

_[the day of Nagito's runaway]_

_Nagito was becoming restless, waiting for Hajime to get back._

_That day had been a particularly tough day for Nagito, and being alone at night with his thoughts wasn't helping him at all. Well, his entire senior year had been a mess. Quite early on in the year, Nagito had finally realized that he had feelings for Hajime... romantic feelings._

_He had never felt romantic attraction before his crush on Hajime, and he didn't know how to handle it._

_Every moment that Nagito was with Hajime, especially if they were alone, he felt like he was going insane. He was constantly on edge, hoping that Hajime wouldn't find out about his crush. He couldn't tell if Hajime was purposely doing things that indicated that he liked him back, or if Nagito was just overthinking it all. It seemed like Hajime was sitting closer than normal, offhandedly touching Nagito, just being more close to him overall._

_It was hard to handle the constant mental disarray he was in._

_Nagito had become better at hiding his emotions, his self doubt and self hatred, but inside, he was even more unstable than ever before._

_It had been building up for so long, and Nagito kept it all inside._

_Until he broke._

_Nothing in particular had happened that day, but just being alone managed to push him over the edge. It was all fuzzy to Nagito from then. He could only vaguely remember his runaway journey_

_Mindless and having fallen off the edge, Nagito turned to fight or flight mode... and he chose flight._

 

 

 


	5. rewind and replay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh i dont have much to say but umm  
> comment or ill.... well i wont do anything if you dont but please

  
_Everything was so unfamiliar. Never having lived in a town any bigger than a population of a couple thousand, a city as big as this was overwhelming, to say the least. Nagito had seen pictures and videos of the city, of course- but nothing ever felt truly real until you were standing in front of it, or in this case, in the middle of it._

_For the first time in his life, Nagito stood in the streets of Tokyo. The lights were bright, screens and signs of buildings flashing huge advertisements at him. It all seemed so glamorous._

_Soon, he would learn of the darkness and dirtiness hidden beneath the glitz and glamor of the city, and soon, he would become a part of it._    


* * *

  
Nagito lost track of how long he had been there, laying on the dirt and filth caked ground. He opened his eyes, not having realized he had even closed them. Had he fallen asleep or had he just zoned out? Either way, he was coming to again, taking in the environment surrounding him once again. He pushed himself up from the ground, standing up on shaky legs, somewhat akin to a fawn or foal standing for the first time. His clothes were now scuffed up with dirt, the side of his face and body caked with dirt and grime from having laid on the tainted ground. 

And he still didn't care. 

It was fine, it was fine. Nothing mattered.

He didn't care that he had run away from his chance to reconcile with Hajime. He didn't care that his emotional walls had bee torn down. He didn't care about that, no, he didn't care about anything at all. Nothing mattered to him. He had not a care or worry in the world. This was okay, he was okay. Everything... was okay.

Yeah, yeah, Nagito just needed to keep repeating those words to himself, and then maybe they would become true. 

Fake it till you make it, right?

All Nagito needed to do was to fake happiness, and then he would have it. He would have all of the happiness in the world, so long as he repeated that mantra of sorts to himself.

He didn't need anyone else. He didn't need friends. He was okay alone. 

He was okay alone. He was okay alone. He was absolutely, 100%, okay alone. 

For five years, he had been alone, never daring to even make an attempt at friendship. No matter what, it would end up falling apart. Maybe there were some happy moments in friendships, but it would never be worth the pain it caused. It caused more pain than happiness. It would never be worth it. 

And so he would remain alone, alone until the day that he died.

He was okay with that.

Nagito stood in the entrance of the alleyway, looking out of the shadows and into the street before him. Here he was, While everyone else moved forward, he stood still. He stayed in the dark, as if one step into the sun would scathe him. 

This wasn't happiness, was it? It wasn't possible to create true happiness by pretending. He was lying to himself, lying to himself in an attempt to make it all okay... but that wasn't how it worked. That was never, and would never be how feelings worked. 

He had reached a level of patheticness higher than ever before. He had resorted to flat out lying to himself in an attempt to make himself feel even the slightest bit better. Deep down, Nagito had known this for a long time, probably since before he ever ran away. But he had never... let himself comprehend that knowledge until this point. The wall he had built up around him didn't make him strong, it made him weak, weaker than he already thought himself to be. 

In his mind, Nagito knew for a fact that the only way he was going to find happiness was if he faced reality. He knew this, he fucking knew this. So why couldn't he stop? It was beyond frustrating. He had everything he needed to get better, everything he needed to try his best in life, try to patch things from the past up, to pick up the pieces and rebuild the strands of happiness he had once held onto so tightly when he was with Hajime. He knew what he needed to do, he had everything he needed to do it... but he was stuck.

It was as if there was a brick wall in front of Nagito, preventing him from going forward even a single step. The only way he was allowed to go was backward. Nagito swore up and down that he was trying his best to push past it, to find a way around the wall and to let himself move forward with a less pessimistic thought process. 

Was he really, though? Was this really the hardest he was able to try, or was it the hardest he was able to try without causing himself pain? Was there even a wall? Was anything stopping him except for himself? Was his own mind the true wall that was in his way?

It was, wasn't it? The one thing preventing him from functioning like a normal human being... was himself. 

He stood still for more than a few moments, tangled up in his own mind before it hit him.

He needed to go back to Hajime. There was no time to waste, he wasn't allowed to wait, no, he couldn't. It was now or never. Even if it was one of the hardest things he would do in his life, Nagito couldn't back down now. If he stalled, it might be too late. He wouldn't run away again. He wouldn't leave Hajime like he had in high school. It was a foolish and asshole thing to do as a high schooler, and it would be even more immature and terrible to do now. He was an adult. As a teen, he was expected to do stupid things, as all teens do. But now... now he was an adult. He was responsible for his actions, he was supposed to be mature and handle things in a manner that would be considered responsible.

This was it. Nagito was going to do this. 

Thankfully, he still had Hajime's address typed into his phone. He always put the address of wherever he was hired to go to in his notes, incase he got lost or forgot something there afterward. He had never gotten lost before or forgotten anything, but now he was glad he used that precaution. If he hadn't, he would have no way to remember where Hajime lived, as his memory was... not to be envied. 

Nagito's hands were so shaky, he struggled to get his phone out of his pocket and unlock it, but he managed. He opened up his notes app as fast as was humanly possible. His eyes scanned over the address typed on the screen as he brushed the dirt off of his body. He stepped out of the alleyway, entering the light with the others.

It was time for him to grow up and finally do the right thing. It may have been embarrassing, may have been painful, and may have hurt... but it was what he had to do.

Too antsy to wait for a cab, Nagito set out on foot. The layout of the city seemed to rush back into his head now that he was on a mission, determined to get to Hajime. He had run away further than he had realized, but that was fine. He didn't care if he got tired on the way, he was going to get to Hajime's. He wasn't about to stop now that he had finally gotten himself to do this.

Soon enough, Nagito found himself standing back in front of Hajime's door. Oh god, he was nervous now. The anxiety had caught up to him now. He had to do this. He had to do this. He couldn't just turn back now! He just needed to clear his mind, stop thinking, and knock on the door. That was all he had to do, yes... that was all...

Why was knocking on a door so goddamn hard?!

It was hard... but he had to do it. Nagito closed his eyes to brace himself, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door. 

He still didn't open his eyes after knocking, too scared to see Hajime's reaction. He was dirty and unkempt now, he would've been a sore sight to look at. In all honesty, it would have been a good idea for him to have went back to his own apartment to take a shower before coming to Hajime's once more, But had he done so, who knows if he would have still been able to work up the courage to do what he was doing now.

Hearing the doorknob turn and then the door being pushed open, Nagito squeezed his eyes shut tighter- he couldn't bring himself to meet eyes with Hajime... he felt ashamed of himself for running away. It was a terrible feeling, and having to face it was tough, but Nagito wanted to get through this. He wanted to face it head on, no... he needed to face it. It wasn't a choice that was his to make, it was his requirement. It was time to own up to his actions, both present and past. 

Before Hajime could speak, Nagito breathed in a deeply before opening his eyes to look at Hajime. He opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly... all the courage and determination drained from his body, seeing Hajime there in front of him. He couldn't get his words out now... goddammit! Just seeing Hajime there, seeing his face, his expression... it made him freeze up completely. He just stood there, mouth open as if he were going to speak, and stared at Hajime for what was definitely not the first or last time. 

It was okay, though. And this time, he meant it. It really was okay. What mattered was that he had managed to get there. Even if the words weren't coming, he was there. That was the most important part.

It seemed that Hajime was also unable to speak, his mouth slightly open as he looked at Nagito standing before him again. No words were needed to voice what the both of them were feeling in that moment. There was some sort of unspoken understanding between them about what was happening, about what was going to happen.

Hajime gently took Nagito's hand and led him inside, closing the door behind them gently, "Hey, sit down on one of the chairs, I'm going to go run a bath for you, alright? I can wash the dirt out of your hair for you just like old times again, ah... that would be weird now, wouldn't it? Forget I said anything, that was weird, I know-"

Nagito cut Hajime off, giving him a hopeful yet broken seeming smile, "No... I think I'd like that." he said. 

Hajime nodded slightly, returning the same type of smile to Nagito, ruffling his hair, "I'll be right back, okay? Just stay here." 

Even though Nagito had run away twice now, this time, Hajime knew Nagito wasn't going to run again. He would be right here, in the same chair, when he returned. 

Perhaps Hajime had needed Nagito more than he had realized, perhaps it wasn't only Nagito having coaxed Hajime out of his shell that had made their friendship so significant in his growing up. The thought of running a bath for him, washing his hair and getting him clean once again... it made him feel warm. He felt like he could finally protect him again. Hajime had never realized how badly he needed to take care of someone until now- was that what he had been missing? No... it had to be something else. He had a girlfriend for a period of time while Nagito was gone, and he was able to take care of her... but taking care of her never gave Hajime the same feeling as taking care of Nagito did. 

There was something extremely special about Nagito to Hajime, and even if he couldn't quite place his finger on it, he knew that all this time he had spent searching for what was missing in his heart... all he needed was Nagito.


	6. thought bubbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this is a day late!! but ik yall will enjoy this chapter so uwu pls comment

 "Oww... Hajime that hurts!" Nagito complained in a whiny voice, much like how he would as a child, huffing a little as well, "Be careful! There's knots!"

"Yeah, yeah, well I can't clean it properly with it all tangled up, y'know? You're an adult, you think you would've learned how to brush your hair by now, hm?" Hajime said teasingly, using his fingers to try and detangle all of the knots. His hair really was just like it had always been. It made him smile, knowing that some things just never changed. They may have aged and matured, but the chaos of Nagito was constant, never changing... it was somehow a comfort to him.

Nagito couldn't help but to giggle a little, leaning his head back, "This is really just like when we were little kids," he sighed happily, "I... wish things could go back to how they were..." he said, his smile fading into a frown.

Hajime paused his actions, biting his lip, trying to think of what to say to make the awkwardness of the situation dissipate. They were both trying to avoid the elephant in the room, and it was causing moments like this to happen. Ah... it was such an uncomfortable silence, but... neither of them wanted to discuss the matter at hand.

They both wanted the same thing, they wanted things to immediately go back to how it was before, without having to put any work into it. Which of course, wasn't possible, but still... it was too hard to bring up the subject. Yes, they both knew that things wouldn't go back to 'normal' until the talked about it, but god... it was so fucking hard.

Hajime assumed that he was going to be the one to bring it up in the end- Nagito had never been one to willingly bring up topics that caused such discomfort. It was understandable, why he wouldn't want to talk about it, so Hajime had always been the one to coax him into a conversation about whatever the issue was.

But Nagito was always one to surprise him.

With a sigh, Nagito spoke, "...about earlier..."

Hajime's eyes widened slightly, not having expected Nagito to willingly bring it up with no coercion. He stumbled on his words, not wanting to lose the chance to actually talk about what happened, "Ah- Yeah, yeah? What about it?" he said, trying to keep his cool. He was thanking god that he wasn't the one who was forced to bring it up.

Speaking about it was clearly difficult for Nagito, he closed his eyes as if to brace himself for the discussion ahead. It hurt his chest, his heart, his lungs, everything, Talking about it, admitting guilt in a straightforward way- it hurt. Instead of ever recognizing his mistakes and truly apologizing or explaining himself, Nagito went to degrade himself. He would say such horrible things about himself, and while the things he said were things he really did believe, it wasn't any type of true apology. It was just an attempt to victimize himself, he now realized. It was hard to not paint himself to be the victim, but he had made up his mind.

"I was scared. I... was terrified from the moment I saw your face again. I thought that by now I would have been over what pushed me to run, and until I woke up in your arms this morning, I still thought I was going to be able to handle it and act as if what I felt before never existed," Nagito paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts before continuing, "I know that this isn't the ideal place to talk about things, but I can't keep going like this. I feel guilty, sitting here, letting you care for me and help me while I'm doing nothing for you. It hurts. It hurts so fucking badly to talk about this, but it hurts even more as time passes. I can't wait anymore. I can't just sit here, putting on an act as if I don't have the need to talk about everything. Even someone like me, someone who never wants to bother anyone else with his problems.... even I can't hold it all it. And please... don't pity me for anything I say. I'm not saying any of this in an attempt to make you feel bad for me and be forced to forgive me or bullshit like that. I just.... you deserve to know everything Hajime. I know you deserve to know. And I want to tell you, I want to tell you more than I've wanted anything else in this world, but I'm scared. From what happened to me during my disappearance to why I ran away... I just want to tell you it all. I know that it would be a huge weight off of my shoulders to finally tell you it all. But... I don't want you to hate me Hajime. That's been the reason for everything. Every time I've avoided talking to you, both times I ran... it was because I didn't want you to hate me. I thought it would be easier to just run from it than to take the risk that something I say would make you view me in a terrible light. It would... it would break me completely if you hated me. I've always been okay with being hated. Hell, I've always hated myself. It's not that I can't handle being disliked or talked down to... I just can't handle if you're the one who hates me. And I'm afraid that if I tell you why, my fears will come true and you really will hate me."

Hajime let his hands fall from Nagito's hair and onto his own lap, not caring that his sweats were now being dampened with the soapy water that he had been using to clean Nagito up. The only thing he cared about was the words Nagito was speaking. Never in the entire time that he had known him had Hajime heard him let so much out. His heart was swelling with emotions, and so was Nagito's.

Squeezing his hands into tight fists, Nagito pushed through and continued to speak, "I had a realization after I ran this morning. I was sitting, laying in an alleyway. A dirty, grimy, disgusting alleyway. It made me think of my first day here in the city. Thinking of everything that had happened again... it made me finally comprehend why I couldn't move on from the past. This... this is what I needed to do. I needed to talk about it. And I may not be ready to tell you everything right now... but I need to move forward, and this is how to do it."

As Nagito paused, Hajime gently put a hand back in his hair, combing through it with his fingers, not so much trying to get the knots out, more to give him a sense of closeness, a touch of comfort. He didn't want to interrupt Nagito yet, he wanted to let him finish all that he had to say.

It... made his heard swell and warm up, seeing Nagito take such a step into bettering himself. Hajime felt proud of him- he was glad Nagito wasn't facing him, or else he would see the stupid smile on his face. This boy who had always kept himself jam packed with secrets and stories to never be spoken of- he was letting it out All those years of isolation, feeling like if he said anything, he would bother others... he was growing past it.

Maybe it wasn't as he had thought before. He had said to himself that Nagito hadn't changed, that it was the same as always, but he was wrong. Nagito... was changing more than he had in a long time. It just hadn't been visible. It may have been a selfish thing to think... but Hajime had a feeling that was part of the reason Nagito had a breakthrough.

_God... Hajime couldn't stop his thoughts. Nagito was here, right in front of him. He was letting all of his walls and barriers down... just for Hajime._

_It was only Hajime who Nagito was comfortable._

_It had always been only Hajime for Nagito._

_And it had always been only Nagito for Hajime._

_They were... the only ones for one another._

Without a thought in his mind, Hajime gently tilted Nagito's head toward himself, cupping his cheek with his hand and searching in his eyes for any opposition to what he was about to do. Nagito looked back into Hajime's eyes for a moment, unclenching his fists and relaxing his shoulders, letting his eyes fall shut slowly.

Hajime leaned in, his eyes fluttering closed as well. Nagito's wet hair was dripping, but he didn't care. Nothing else mattered in that moment. Lightning could have struck the building and they would be left unchanged, the world was nothing to them, the only thing that meant anything was one another.

And their lips connected.

 


	7. consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for this update being late!! ive had it done for like 3 days but kept forgetting to lol but pls... comments feed me

  
As soon as their lips first connected, it was as if a chain reaction had been set off. All of those pent up and hidden feelings during their teenage years were let out, all from a single kiss. It was some sort of Rube Goldberg machine, all of their actions setting of another until it reached this point.

After all, how could it not? The whole situation they were in was something out of a woman's two dollar thrift store romance novel. Two childhood friends reconnecting after years of being apart, and now they were there in the bathroom together, one naked and in the bath, and the other shirtless, washing the hair of his friend. Well... maybe it was more out of a crappy porno, considering it from an outsider's point of view. 

Right then, they were teenagers again, experiencing things again as if it were their firsts. Sure, the two of them had most definitely kissed others before, but that was pushed aside. This was the only kiss that mattered.

Nagito was leaning halfway over the bathtub so he could reach Hajime better, his hands wandering down to his chest. Hajime had always been so strong, and as Nagito grew older and started having not so innocent thoughts about Hajime, it was certainly a complex he had, Hajime being so much stronger than him... he liked it a lot. 

Hajime got touchy as well, his hands sliding down Nagito's sides to rest them on his hips, rubbing his skin with his thumbs gently. 

Their kisses became more heated, caught up in the moment and not even thinking about what consequences would happen if they continued on. It was a domino effect, and they didn't want the pieces to stop falling over. There were no plans to stop,they were just going along with what their bodies did, no need to think about it. If it felt right, it felt right.

Hajime's hands began to wander down further, getting closer to the area where-

"Hajime- stop-" Nagito said, suddenly pushing Hajime's hands off of him and falling back into the water with a splash. His cheeks were pink and his lips were a bit puffy, it all seemed to be okay... but then Hajime saw his eyes.

He was crying. Nagito... was crying,

Since his hair and face were already wet from the bath water, Hajime hadn't been able to notice when the tears ran down his cheeks. Instantly, Hajime felt his heart sink in his chest. He had done something that was too much for Nagito, hadn't he? Ah god, he had fucked up. He fucked up, he fucked up-no, no, this wasn't about him. This was about Nagito, about making sure Nagito was okay. He reached to run a hand through Nagito's hair and pull him into a tight hug, "Are you okay? Hey, I won't do anything that you don't want to do, I'm not going to force anything onto you, okay?"

Nagito nodded a little, sniffling with his eyes squeezed shut, hugging Hajime back, "I-I'm just scared, is all..." he sighed, "I don't want to end up ruining our friendship again. That's... why I ran away in the first place. I had feelings for you, ever since we were in middle school. And I was just getting too close, and I didn't want to end up slipping and making you think I was creepy or gross. And now... even though I know you have the same feelings, at least, I think you do, but I've fucked things up so badly, I know I'll find a way to fuck this up too."

Hajime relaxed, softly smiling. It wasn't that either of them had done anything wrong... Nagito was just nervous about things going downhill because their relationship had changed. Though he wished he could take all that worry away, it was endearing, in a way, to know that Nagito just wanted things to go right so that nothing bad would happen. He released Nagito from the hug and pressed his lips against the other's forehead. 

Opening his eyes, Nagito's crying came to a halt as he looked at Hajime's comforting expression. He relaxed again, taking a deep breath and composing himself to the best of his abilities. 

"We can take this all slow, alright? We just met again yesterday, there's no need to rush things. We don't need to put a label on this now, or even ever if you don't feel comfortable enough to. We don't have to define our relationship. We can just... do what we want to, do what feels right. Hell, I don't even know how relationships work, I've had a few but none have worked out, so... maybe it's better if we don't give it a label, maybe we should wait until we figure everything out... that sound good?"

A little smile tugged at the corners of Nagito's lips. It was so... reassuring to hear those words from Hajime's lips. With no label... there was no pressure, no wrong way to do things. He knew that even with a label, there wasn't really a wrong way to do things, but he had a vision in his mind. The vision of a perfect relationship, one like those in shitty Hallmark Christmas movies. Maybe it wasn't realistic, but everything in his life had been so abnormal, he craved to have the picture perfect, ordinary life. 

Maybe there really wasn't a normal, maybe no one was able to achieve this perceived notion of normalcy... but god, did Nagito want it oh so badly. Ever since he was little, that was what he had wanted, but the universe evidently had different plans for him. Things were already crazy enough when he was little, and it only got worse as he grew older. But even if he couldn't have that so-called 'normal' life... Nagito could handle it if he had someone like Hajime to keep him grounded. 

"Thank you, Hajime," Nagito said simply.

Hajime smiled at him and ruffled his wet hair, "Of course. Now, do you want me to finish washing your hair for you, or would you rather we leave you be for a bit?" he hummed as he asked.

Nagito thought for a moment, "Ah... I think... I'd like you to finish... only if that's okay, of course." 

"Of course that's okay with me, I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't okay with it." Hajime assured him, "Face your back to me so I can get all the dirt out, I don't think there's much left, but you've gotta be all clean."

Happily complying, Nagito turned back around to give Hajime access to his hair again.

It didn't take long for Hajime to finish up, as he had gotten rid of most of the dirt before already. 

"Alright, your hair is all done, I'm gonna step out for a minute and you can wash everything else off," Hajime said, standing up from where he had been kneeling on the floor next to the tub, "I'm gonna get something cooking, I'm sure you're hungry, aren't you?"

Nagito would have been lying if he said he wasn't hungry, but he didn't want to take advantage of Hajime's kindness, "Ah... I'm okay, really," he insisted.

"No, no, I know you have to be hungry. Just let me worry about food, don't think that you're going to bother me by letting me care for you."

It was as if Hajime could see right through Nagito, as if he was telepathic or something of the sort. After so many years of figuring him out, Hajime had become an expert at decoding what everything Nagito said actually meant. He hadn't lost that ability, even though they had been disconnected for so many years- he was still the only one who was able to read Nagito like a book. Yes, he was still unable to predict what Nagito was going to do next, that would be nearly impossible with how unpredictable he had always been, but... he understood him, at the very least.

When Hajime insisted, Nagito knew that even if he kept saying he wasn't hungry, there was no changing Hajime's mind once he was set on something. To his recollection, Nagito had never been able to win a single argument against Hajime. Well... there were times when Hajime had let him win on purpose, but Nagito had never actually fairly won. He was doubtful that he would be able to beat him now either.

Giving in quite easily, Nagito sighed in defeat, "Fine, fine. I won't be able to win if I try to disagree, will I?"

 

Hajime chuckled, oh, Nagito knew him so well, "Nope, I won't let you win this one. No point in arguing."

 

"Ah... then fine. I'll finish washing up, do... you have clothes that I can borrow? I don't have anything aside from what you put in the wash for me, and those aren't comfortable even when they're clean. I'll return your clothes as soon as I can can my own- I swear!"

 

"Don't worry so much about it. I'll set some clothes outside the door, you can get dressed when you're done. I don't have a hair dryer though, so you'll just have to deal with wet hair." 

 

"That's fine! That's completely fine! Thank you... I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble..."

 

"Don't apologize."

 

"But-"

 

Before he could continue, Hajime interrupted Nagito, "No. No buts. I'm just glad to have you here. You aren't bothering me, you aren't causing me any trouble, so don't try to say anything like that. Let me take care of you for a bit, I've missed it."

 

Nagito began to say something to dispute what Hajime said, but he shut himself up, and nodded, holding back his urge to apologize or say something bad about himself, "...thank you."

 

"Yeah, you're welcome. I'm going to get some food cooking- I'm not exactly a gourmet chef, but I'll make you something edible, at least," Hajime joked before stepping out of the bathroom and closing the door behind him. 

 

Nagito sunk below the water, letting out a breath underwater, bubbles floating to the top. He opened his eyes, looking up from the water to the ceiling before closing them once more.

 

_This... this was nice._

_His mind was going everywhere, none of this seemed real. One moment he felt okay, felt joy in being here with Hajime, but then the next moment, he was panicking over if he was doing the right thing, if he was being a bother, if he should just leave. Just when his mind seemed to calm down, his brain kicked into overdrive and kept telling him he didn't deserve this. It was all so confusing, but no matter how hectic and all over the place his mind was- his heart was in the same constant place._

_His heart was telling him that this was alright, that it was okay to feel okay._

_Why did he feel so guilty whenever he self the slightest sense of security, joy, or happiness?_

_It was frustrating. He had the same thoughts over and over again, he couldn't stop them. He knew. He knew the truth, he really did! But his brain refused to believe it. It was such a mental torment that it hurt him even more than when he didn't know the truth. If he hadn't realized the truth, his mind wouldn't have to be doing all of these flips and tricks to try and wrap around the concept of allowing himself to get better._

Nagito reached his hand out of the water, seeing the light shine through the gaps between his fingers. 

 

_That. That was what he wanted. He yearned to be able to reach out and grasp that light, to feel the warmth blooming in his heart and in his hands._

_He would even be willing to give up his dream of normalcy, just to be able to get a taste, a touch of that kind of blissful peace._

_It ached._

_It ached that he couldn't seem to reach that._

 

 


End file.
